The Critical Father Wound.
THE STORY TODAY
You’re not sure how it’s happened but you’ve become your own worst critic. This might be surprising considering how much you respect others, especially those in authority.
You feel you fall short while others move through challenges and dilemmas with comparable ease and resilience.
When you find yourself looking for that next push in your relationships or career, you look for direction or guidance that comes from outside yourself rather than from within.
Your inner sense of self-appraisal has stayed small – it’s like you're missing a certain magic something that others have.
You get stuck in second guessing, so making a decision on the next big step feels daunting. Even taking little steps can feel massive.
In relationships, you look to your partner for approval, validation and a constant attentiveness – otherwise you feel unsure and insecure.
If you’re a parent, you often feel like you’re getting it wrong. You look to books and blogs for the answer but there is no manual for this role and you’re exhausted by tripping up so much.
The reason this is playing out is because of you have the Critical Father Wound.
In the un-fairy tale of your fathering, your dad was a sort of ogre.
Your father's criticism has shaped your relationship with self-trust and self-compassion, leaving you hesitant to trust your instincts and your incredible emotional intelligence.
Perhaps your story started like this?
Your father was keen to observe you and quick to give you feedback.
Your dad’s opinion really mattered to you because he seemed to always know what he was doing with such exacting standards.
You always did your best to keep on the right side of wrong so that you would catch that approving gaze of warmth. That’s when you felt most loved.
You learnt to gauge your worth through your father’s eyes.
You learnt to rely on him as your greatest support but also your greatest critic.
Having a clear path and process always planned for you meant that you never went off track but you never learnt to course correct or discover the delight of your creative gifts and your infinite imagination.
Are these early scenes still shaping your story?
Then it’s time to rewrite your narrative so every chapter hereafter is one where you…
Are the no1 authority on you
You now realise that what YOU think / feel / believe about you matters the most.
Listen to your inner GPS
You have turned down the volume on others’ opinions and now listen inwards to your inner guide that knows what’s best for you.
Sit in the driving seat
Because you are no longer a passenger of your life, you have grown into a new confidence in what the future holds and you know where you want to go.
Let your true goodness shine
Now and finally, your days of projecting your gold on to others is over.
Define your own rules
You decide on the values you live by which means you can let your rebel break out and play.
Forgive yourself
You now meet yourself with a soft self-compassion that makes it possible to have kinder relationships with everyone.
Before you roll your eyes and think this is the stuff of fairy tales, I want you to know that after working as a psychotherapist for more than a decade, I know this is entirely possible.
The first step?
To soften your inner critic and foster a kinder way for you to befriend yourself.
You could call it your inner BFF or even your inner father – it’s about building a solid centre so that you can hold yourself in highest respect and feel grounded and confident about who you are inside and out.
You can do this slowly and respectfully until you begin to truly flourish in self-trust and bone-deep confidence.
SELF-COMPASSION PRACTICE
Next time you catch yourself being critical of yourself, first notice and pause.
If you have access to a younger picture of yourself look at it, alternatively imagine a memory of you at your most innocent.
Ask that innocent part of you – your younger self – ‘What do you need right now?’ Whatever the answer, offer that to your younger self in words.
Eg If your younger self says ‘I want to feel free’ take a deep breath and say ‘You’re completely free’’
Let the words sink in for a minute or two.
What next?
Head over to @jennifercawleytherapy and let me know how you got on with the practice and how you resonate with your results.
If you’ve shared your email address with me, I’ll be back in your inbox in the coming days with more personalised insights and practices to support you in rewriting your Critical Father Wound story to one with a much happier ending.