The Pedestal Father Wound.
THE STORY TODAY
You judge yourself harshly and strive to meet high standings in your career, family and relationships.
At the same time, you can be critical of others. There is rarely a partner, friend or colleague who is good enough for long enough.
You may give up on things before they give up on you – your projects, plans or relationships.
This self-sabotage is sneaky, often disguised as perfectionism. It might be a way to avoid feeling like a failure, but disappointment in yourself or others is often around the corner.
You may distract yourself in different ways from one moment to the next – screens, shopping, over-working, constant busy-ness, drink, food, sex.
Your partners never seem quite enough either, or maybe as a parent or professional you never feel like you’re getting it right or making enough progress.
Somehow you feel stuck and looping.
The reason this is playing out is because of you have the Pedestal Father Wound.
In the un-fairy tale of your fathering, your dad was a sort of Oracle.
Your father's image of perfection and omnipotence has shaped your relationship with your self-worth and lovability leaving you feeling deflated and doubtful of your inner gold.
Perhaps your story started like this?
Your dad always seemed to get it right. If you couldn’t do something he always could which meant you could only ever be second best.
You became your father’s budding apprentice, happy to hang out at his side because it felt safe but it meant you never stretched into your full potential.
You grew into his tastes, shared his interests, replicated his values and modeled yourself on the best version of himself that he put out into the world.
Or if his standards felt too high to match, you bailed out of the competition feeling disappointed in giving up again.
Achievements, marks, and accolades gained his attention, affection and approval, but the glow soon faded leaving you empty inside and unsure of your true worth.
You worked hard and built a solid work ethic to keep in his good books.
Or if hard work felt impossible, you lost your motivation before you even started and your self-esteem took another knock.the route with less friction but with the most self-criticism.
Are these early scenes still shaping your story?
Then it’s time to rewrite your narrative so every chapter hereafter is one where you…
Walk into a room with a smile
Because now you know that wherever you are, whatever you say and whoever you are with, you are an equal.
Believe deeply in yourself
Which means you have stopped comparing yourself to others. It no longer matters to you because YOU matter to you.
Flex your muscle for risk-taking
You’ve grown bolder and braver in decisions you make about your career, your relationships and your partnerships.
BFF yourself
Any mess or mistakes you make, you still accept yourself as a beautiful human. Procrastination and perfectionism are in the past.
Work/play hard or soft
You work and play as hard or soft as you like and do this because it makes YOU happy, inspired, motivated, alive – not anybody else.
Say ‘enough’ when you need to
You know what to do when there is too much on your plate, way before you get to the point of burn out.
Before you roll your eyes and think this is the stuff of fairy tales, I want you to know that after working as a psychotherapist for more than a decade, I know this is entirely possible.
The first step?
To say goodbye to the pedestal and realise that anytime you put anyone above or below you, you are in dusty old relationship patterns that have outstayed their welcome.
You can do this slowly and respectfully until you begin to truly believe in your inner self-worth and create a life that shines with this kind of confidence.
SELF-COMPASSION PRACTICE
Next time you catch yourself being critical of yourself, first notice and pause.
If you have access to a younger picture of yourself look at it, alternatively imagine a memory of you at your most innocent.
Ask that innocent part of you – your younger self – ‘What do you need right now?’ Whatever the answer, offer that to your younger self in words.
Eg If your younger self says ‘I want to feel free’ take a deep breath and say ‘You’re completely free’’
Let the words sink in for a minute or two.
What next?
Head over to @jennifercawleytherapy and let me know how you got on with the practice and how you resonate with your results.
If you’ve shared your email address with me, I’ll be back in your inbox in the coming days with more personalised insights and practices to support you in rewriting your Pedestal Father Wound story to one with a much happier ending.