The Unboundaried Father Wound.
THE STORY TODAY
You find yourself constantly navigating through life without a clear sense of your boundaries.
Whether it's work, relationships, or parenting, it’s difficult to define where you end and others begin.
These blurred edges leave you feeling overwhelmed and disconnected, as if you're constantly juggling everyone else's needs forgetting your own.
You feel like you’ve been older than your years for some time, as if you grew up too soon or were born an ‘old soul’.
It’s not easy for you to draw in support perhaps because others don’t ever seem up to the job. While you get on with the hard work of living, play and pleasure sink to the bottom of your list.
You may have a love and hate relationship with order and organisation, you can get your sh*t together, but you’re tired of holding all the responsibility.
The reason this is playing out is because of you have the Unboundaried Father Wound.
In the un-fairy tale of your fathering, your dad was a sort of a Lost Boy and you became the parent.
Your father's lack of boundaries has shaped your relationship with structure and self-care, leaving you feeling burnt-out and overwhelmed.
Perhaps your story started like this?
Your father was more of a playmate than a guide, blurring the lines between parent and friend.
While this was fun, it also left you without the structure and protection you needed to develop healthy boundaries.
You felt there was a role reversal between who was the parent and who was the child, you needed him to step up sometimes but he didn’t.
You had to stretch into the gaps that your father left open in terms of authority, order or decision making.
You became his comforter, confidante and caretaker of his carefreeness which would sometimes tumble into chaos.
Are these early scenes still shaping your story?
Then it’s time to rewrite your narrative so every chapter hereafter is one where you…
Set crystal clear boundaries
You respect your limits in your workload as a professional, partner or parent, so that you know when to pull back and give more energy to yourself.
Say ‘goodbye’ to guilt
Because you can now trust people when you delegate or share the strain of your mental load with them.
Receive in the right way
That means you receive as much as you give – people show up for you and it feels amazing.
Listen to your intuition
You trust your inner voice so that you always know when to say ‘NO’ and when to say ‘YES’. Boundaries are now a love language.
Feel proud of yourself
Because of the way you ask and receive support from friends, your partner or colleagues – it no longer has to all rest on your shoulders.
BFF yourself
Now that you are kinder to yourself, you make room for joy, play and pleasure again. You don’t remember the last time you laughed like this.
Before you roll your eyes and think this is the stuff of fairy tales, I want you to know that after working as a psychotherapist for more than a decade, I know this is entirely possible.
The first step?
To listen to your inner voice so that you know when you’re approaching your limits and can respond to them before you reach overwhelm. When you do so, you will begin to discover your own unique seasons and strengths and how to work with them.
This will be you creating the structure you always needed on your terms. Rather than pingpong between what’s happening on your outside and your inside worlds, you can now learn to adjust and settle into your own authentic pace and space.
With practice and patience, you can cultivate a sense of self-respect and assertiveness that empowers you to navigate relationships and/or career in a way that fits you.
BOUNDARIES PRACTICE
Next time you feel you have lost a sense of your boundaries and are called to set one, take both hands and place them at different parts of your body saying ‘this is me’.
Repeat over again slowly working your way down your body from head to toe and back again. It can help to be in front of a mirror.
This is to give you a reminder of your physical contours and edges. Experiencing yourself as separate physically will help you communicate your limits verbally from a safe emotional distance.
Thank you to Joanne Miller, Somatic Therapist for this practice.
What next?
Head over to @jennifercawleytherapy and let me know how you got on with the practice and how you resonate with your results.
If you’ve shared your email address with me, I’ll be back in your inbox in the coming days with more personalised insights and practices to support you in rewriting your Unboundaried Father Wound story to one with a much happier ending.