The Absent Father Wound.
THE STORY TODAY
You have a tested patience for low-commitment relationships and an in-built buffer for disappointment.
Low relationship stakes feel safe and yet you’re happy to go the extra mile for others.
You can give much more easily than you receive, whether that’s a compliment, a quick favour or a mug of tea.
You’d rather do it yourself than have someone mess it up for you, anyway. Trusting people is tricky.
Around the ages of your self-sufficiency is an exhaustion and frustration – you wonder how you keep going but you do.
You look on others who seem to lean easily into support with part resentment and part envy. Envy asks “what makes it so easy for them?”. Resentment adds “Why can’t they stand on their own two feet like I had to?”
The reason this is playing out is because of you have the Absent Father Wound.
In the un-fairy tale of your fathering, your dad was a sort of spectre.
Your father's absence, whether physical or emotional (or both), has shaped your relationship with support and connection, leaving you hesitant to rely on others and skeptical of their intentions.
Perhaps your story started like this?
Your father wasn’t present physically, emotionally or both – so you learnt to be your own parent and you grew up quickly.
You stepped up, became a kind of deputy, a responsibility you bore intuitively but not without strain or cost.
Maybe another member of your family took on your dad’s role. In either case you learnt to live with less and go without.
From time to time, you may have caught yourself wishing for him to show up, open up or come alive but you quickly tidied the hope away.
You wondered what it might be like if he was still there and he hadn’t disappeared within himself or into who-knows-where.
Perhaps you asked yourself what you could have done to make him stay.
Are these early scenes still shaping your story?
Then it’s time to rewrite your narrative so every chapter hereafter is one where you…
Beam with pride
Because it’s now easy for you now to ask and accept what you need from friends, partners or colleagues.
Genuinely trust
You actually believe friends, partners or colleagues when they offer to do you 'that favour – it no longer has to all rest on your shoulders.
Connect meaningfully
You soak into long, soulful conversations with friends who fill you up and check in on you when you go quiet.
Go easy on yourself
Because you give yourself a break; perfectionism is in the past and you trust that you always give your best.
Recover your sparkle
You let your mind wander and your body bask in the whimsy of joy, play and pleasure again. Just because you can.
Receive in the right way
Now you as much as you give, people show up for you and it feels amazing.
Before you roll your eyes and think this is the stuff of fairy tales, I want you to know that after working as a psychotherapist for more than a decade, I know this is entirely possible.
The first step?
To learn how to identify your needs; to listen carefully to yourself and pay deliberate attention to the microscopic details of you.
Only by listening this closely will you be able to acknowledge your needs and take steps to express and meet them.
It is a dual healing that asks you to connect your inner child, your vulnerable self and with your inner father; your capable self.
With these two aspects in tandem, you begin to rewrite the story.
AUTHENTICITY PRACTICE
Affirmation: speaking your truth takes practice and self-coaching, to help with this repeat the following affirmation and notice how your body responds each time: 'I speak my truth more than I hide my truth.’
Journal prompt: as a daily journaling practice, write your answer to this question: 'What would I say to [insert name] if I knew there were no consequences?'. Use this prompt whenever you find it difficult to tune into your inner truth.
What next?
Head over to @jennifercawleytherapy and let me know how you got on with the practice and how you resonate with your results.
If you’ve shared your email address with me, I’ll be back in your inbox in the coming days with more personalised insights and practices to support you in rewriting your Absent Father Wound story to one with a much happier ending.