The Aggressive Father Wound.
THE STORY TODAY
Your relationships might feel empty like you’re only half there in conversations, going through the motions but not feeling connected.
Perhaps your career feels like it’s on autopilot; you keep achieving, putting in the hours, ticking the boxes, but it never feels like it’s enough.
If you’re a parent, it may be difficult to feel present with your family perhaps because so much of your attention goes into making sure you don’t become like your father.
You monitor so closely, it leaves little time to play.
You do your best to avoid conflict (and tantrums if you’re a parent) and can become overstimulated or startled by too much noise, touch, light or movement.
You might find it hard to stick to one thing for long – reading a book, watching a film, getting a household task done or learning a new skill because there’s a restlessness, that makes it hard to sit down for long.
It’s tempting to turn to quick-hit distractions of a screen, shopping, over-working, drink, sex, biscuits, drugs, whatever helps you take your mind briefly to another place.
The reason this is playing out is because of you have the Aggressive Father Wound.
In the un-fairy tale of your fathering, your dad was a sort of sleeping dragon.
Your father's unpredictable aggression (physical, emotional or both) has shaped your relationship with emotional security and self-compassion. This has left you on high alert, working hard and hesitant to trust others or in your own incredible resilience.
Perhaps your story started like this?
Home life felt uncertain because the person that was supposed to protect you also harmed you (mentally, physically or both).
You never knew what to expect when you got home so you always entered a room as if walking on eggshells.
You learnt to judge people’s moods by the sound of their footsteps or the way they closed a door which meant you were always prepared.
Nobody knew what it was like for you from the outside and this facade made it even more confusing – sometimes you may even question if it was actually ‘that bad’.
You learnt how to stay small, keep your head down and put on a brave or polite face.
Are these early scenes still shaping your story?
Then it’s time to rewrite your narrative so every chapter hereafter is one where you…
Love more, care less
Because you now like and love yourself so much, you start caring a whole lot less about what others think of you.
Speak your mind freely
You no longer worry about how others are going to react or treat you, or what might be going on in their minds or moods.
Know exactly what you want
What you want in the next stage of your relationships, your career and in sex has never been clearer. More importantly, you’re no longer afraid to ask.
Are deeply nourished
Your friendships and partnerships now wrap you in genuine support and connection.
Feel strong inside and out
Trust in the strength of your voice, the beauty of your body and the safety in your being.
Take up space
You now stretch out into just the right of space you need in conversations, crowds and public transport!
Before you roll your eyes and think this is the stuff of fairy tales, I want you to know that after working as a psychotherapist for more than a decade, I know this is entirely possible.
The first step?
To learn how to identify your needs; to listen carefully to yourself and pay deliberate attention to the microscopic details of you.
Only by listening this closely will you be able to acknowledge your needs and take steps to express and meet them.
It is a dual healing that asks you to connect your inner child, your vulnerable self and with your inner father; your capable self.
With these two aspects in tandem, you begin to rewrite the story.
NERVOUS SYSTEM PRACTICE
Any time you feel stressed or panicked pause to take a slow breath, breathing from your diaphragm for 7 seconds, then breathe out for 11 seconds.
Do this for 2-5 minutes to shift your nervous system from the sympathetic (fight/flight) to parasympathetic (rest/digest) mode.
Do this any time you feel your stress levels rise.
What next?
Head over to @jennifercawleytherapy and let me know how you got on with the practice and how you resonate with your results.
If you’ve shared your email address with me, I’ll be back in your inbox in the coming days with more personalised insights and practices to support you in rewriting your Aggressive Father Wound story to one with a much happier ending.